Lately, I've been in a funk. I guess you could say a neutral energy, nothing positive or negative... just kind of there, going along each day doing what needed to be done. I finally had enough of it and started to really focus back on myself. First thing I did, I stopped going on facebook. I know it sounds silly, but going on it everyday multiple times a day makes you get involved in other people's lives whether you like it or not. If you read their status updates and what they write on other people's walls, you're getting into their lives. And frankly, I'm done being involved in other people's lives and taking their negative energy and bringing it into mine. It also bothers me that's people's main way of communication now. I'm sick of learning about things over facebook instead of getting a call.
So, I stopped going on that and I instantly started to just feel better. The other night, I impulsively decided to go to the beach at night. My roommate drove so I decided to leave everything at home. Including my cell phone. I just wanted to be completely in the moment of what I was doing. I missed two calls while I was gone and you know what? I was completely happy with that. I called them back, it really wasn't a big deal. It felt so nice to be completely unconnected from people and focusing only on myself and what's going on in my life.
So this week, I do feel a lot more positive and happy than this time last week. However, I have one huge source of negative energy that I don't know what to do with.... that'd be my roommate. I don't like talking bad about people behind their backs but here I go. The thing that bothers me more than anything is how absolutely lazy he is. He stays up all night and sleeps all day. I come home from work at 7PM and he's asleep. ASLEEP. I go to bed around 11PM and he's still asleep. The instant I walk into my apartment, I just get this overwhelming feeling of negative energy and it's coming from him. He makes me not even want to be in the apartment.
I've found the greater source of happiness for me is to be outside. Doesn't matter what I'm doing as long as I'm just outside in the sunshine. My favorite time of day is my lunch break where I eat outside and read. So today, when I walked in the apartment and instantly felt bad, I decided fuck it, I don't have to be here. So I went for a walk. No idea where I was going. I was just walking. The city is set up on a grid and I know the way streets go so I wasn't worried I'd get lost. I ended up walking for an hour. Found that we live near the equestrian center. When I save up enough money, I think I'll get myself horse riding lessons. Riding horses when I was younger was probably the happiest I've been in my life. I kept walking, on a road I haven't driven down since I was here last summer, and found a park. With public tennis courts. I've been wanting to play tennis so bad lately. As I walked I could feel my mood getting better. I was able to clear my mind and be in my own little world.
I'm really trying hard on finding what makes me happy. This past week I figured a lot of things out. I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. I think the reason I randomly walked tonight and happened upon the horse stables is to make me realize I should be riding horses again. I know that'd bring me happiness. I feel like now our society is so focused on other people and making other people happy. Well you know what, fuck them, I'm going to make myself happy first and then think about their happiness. Life's too short to worry about others.
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